Some of my thoughts...

I've been reflecting a lot on my life recently.  I feel so blessed in so many different ways. 
I come from an incredible family where I have felt loved and accepted and encouraged from day one.
I have incredible parents to whom I am indebted forever for their time, effort and love that they have given me.
I was born into a family where the gospel was taught and that has made my life what it is.
I have had good friends who have helped me through frustrating times (although many of my friends are in my family).
I married an incredible guy who treats me so well and is an incredible father. 

Most of all, however, I have been reflecting on the honour that it has been to be a mother.  I feel SO fortunate to have been given this responsibility/role in life.  It is all that I have ever wanted for as long as I can remember and I have these 4 beautiful children that I get to take care of and love every day.

I can't quite express the feeling that comes with motherhood.  The power behind the feelings is beyond expression.  From the second that you find out that you are going to have a baby, you have this intense drive to take care of, nourish and protect this sweet little being.  Feeling the baby grow inside you, kicking and stretching; taking your strength and energy creates such a bond between the two of you that you are in love before you even see your baby.  Watching them develop and grow until they are smiling, laughing, walking, talking, singing, dancing, reading etc. is the most captivating process.

Seeing them interact with the world they are growing up in is such an eye opening experience, too.  As your child grunts and throws a tantrum when they are upset, reads a book to calm themselves, yells when frustrated, prays for relief when anxious, and shows their love of music/books/food, you can see that they watch you and are learning to deal with life as you do.  As you see yourself coming out through these children, it is VERY motivating to either change or strengthen some aspects of your life.

When you are a mother, you LIVE for those moments where a child will come and sit on your lap and snuggle with you for just a moment before they run off and do some other crazy thing.  You thrive by watching them be kind and generous with each other.  You wait anxiously for their sweet hugs and kisses and time they want to spend with you.  Something I remember my Mom telling me was that is it always very sweet to have your husband come home and kiss you, but the best thing is when they come in and see them play with your kids.  What a special thing to have a Dad to jump on, wrestle, snuggle and dance with.  Once Kaia and Kienna were dancing in their princess dress-ups when Jarett came home and they asked him to be their "Prince".  Those are the moments that melt your heart.  When my children are playing together nicely, it is such a sweet experience!  Probably because it's so rare, but mostly because I get to see how they are learning to interact and share and care for each other.  When they are kind, it makes me feel like some of my work has paid off.

One of the most rewarding things in motherhood is seeing your child care for another child or a baby or even a little doll.  The tenderness they show when someone else is hurt is so heart warming.  Just the other day, Jaymeson was cold after having a milkshake and Kaia ran upstairs to get her new blanket to wrap around him.  She knew that would help him feel better.  Yesterday Saryn stepped on a toy and it really hurt her foot, Jaymeson toddled up and gave her a kiss and a hug.  These are moments to live for!

Some of my dearest moments involve sitting down and having my children around me listening to the scriptures.  Let me say, it is a gong show... but there are moments when I realize that these things are sinking in.  When Kaia regurgitates the Abinadi story or talks about Moses and tells me details that I had forgotten is SO rewarding.  When I ask the kids if they know what we're talking about and they answer, "chocolate" it's not quite as rewarding.  When we are reading bed-time stories (currently Little House on the Prairie) I gain some of the dearest memories that I will keep forever.  The questions they ask, the nodding off during the book, the snuggling, the running around craziness... these are all things that I treasure.

There is something powerful in motherhood.  The power of creation is amazing.  I had always been excited to be a mom, but I had never thought about it in the same light before Pres. Uchtdorf's talk last year.  It really hit me when he said, "The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. No matter our talents, education, backgrounds, or abilities, we each have an inherent wish to create something that did not exist before.....If you are a mother, you participate with God in His work of creation—not only by providing physical bodies for your children but also by teaching and nurturing them."  What an incredible honour it has been to help His work along in such a way.

I'm not saying that it has been easy or that it has always been sweet and happy.  It's HARD work, mothering.  Possibly the hardest work that I have ever had to do is all connected to motherhood.  Not only the delivery of each of these babies, but the time and effort put into every single night-time feeding, diaper change, meal made, lesson taught, clothes fixed, bed made, cleaning session....  Not to mention the heartache you feel when they are sad and the emotional roller coaster you go on to keep up with every moment.  The emotional energy you have connected with each of your children seems to only grow with each child as they grow.  Their highs become your highs and their lows are your lows.  Your life is their lives and it is amazing how much you can feel in one second.  Some of the strongest feelings of joy are counteracted by the saddest feelings we have.  When we feel the most relief is always after we have been the most frustrated or stressed.  I have found that children have a way of bringing out every emotion possible (sometimes in a very short amount of time) and to a depth we would not have thought possible.

The thing I suppose I love the most about motherhood is your own personal growth.  Who would've known that someone could love someone else so much?  Who would have thought it possible that you could completely lose yourself by serving these little people?  I suppose that's what the Saviour means when he says that to lose your life is to find it.  It's our way of getting a taste of the love that our Heavenly Father has for us.  What an incredible honour it is to have this experience.  What would my life be?  Where would I be without motherhood?  I have reflected so much on this these last few days and luckily I just don't have the answer.