Benson is 4!

It always blows me away how emotional Nov 25th is to me.  All my kids birthdays take me down memory lane and I always get emotional, but Nov 25th has a deeper, borderline-crying-all-day kind of emotion to it.  I just sent my kids off to school and both Benson and the baby are still asleep, so I thought I'd just jot down a few of my thoughts/feelings (if I can still type through my tears).

First and foremost, I am so overwhelmed by feelings of gratitude.  I am SO grateful for this little boy whom I almost lost a couple times in his first couple days.  I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for providing me with the people, the strength and the comfort I needed to get through that hard time.  Grateful for the Priesthood in my life.  I am so grateful for doctors who knew what to do and were able to save both me and my baby.  I am thankful for the nurse "Anita" whom I will never forget.  She pinned me down, stared me in the eyes and promised me it would be okay.  She truly was an angel sent to help me through the biggest physical challenge I have ever endured.  I am thankful for the memory I have of how much I NEEDED my husband.  I felt so out of control and helpless until I knew he was there beside me.  As soon as he was there, I knew I could do it.  I don't know how to explain the connection I felt to him that day.  I suddenly realized that he wasn't just my "best friend" and he wasn't just a "husband" to me.  He was everything to me.  I needed him desperately in my life.  And I still do.

I also just remember the terror I felt.  I felt so helpless, so hopeless.  I remember crying as soon as Jarett couldn't come with me.  I knew I couldn't do this without him.  I remember a couple days later, as I was surrounded by multiple doctors telling me that my sons heart had stopped, I felt so -  I don't know - just helpless, and anxious to find a cure, I suppose.  I would've done anything at that moment to make him okay.  I remember that it took over a year before I would be able to wake up in the morning and not feel panicked that Benson might not have made it through the night.

I also remember feeling so weak.  I was stopped in the hallway multiple times asking if I would be okay.  Apparently, I looked green.  I would fall asleep when I was sitting up while nursing him in the NICU... just pass out.  The nurses would just come and slip him away and lean me back on the chair.  I would try to read my scriptures and just get to three words before I would be out cold.  I was so completely drained. 

I also will never forget all the generous people who brought meals, love and support over the weeks who followed.
The funny thing is, it was 100% worth it and I would do it again in a minute to have my Benson with me.

Benson has brought a whole new dimension to this family.  He has so much energy, so much sweetness and so much monkey in him that we just can't have a boring day.  You turn your back for so much as 3 seconds and you have no idea what he may or may not have gotten into.  (Recently it's been After Eight mints of Kaia's or Lindt chocolate balls that I have been saving for December (as I'm sugar free for this month)).  He loves to sneak off and put on movies (which no one has taught him to do) and fiddle with anything to make it work.  He has an incredibly curious mind and always wants to figure out how to work things.  He loves his baby sister and wants to protect her constantly.  He smothers her with kisses, wants to hold her and love her and then, after 30 seconds, announces, "I'm done." and hands her back.  I wish I could just follow him around all day, every day with a video camera so that I could completely remember his sweet little voice, his mischievous ways and his overload of energy that he carried with him everywhere.  I love watching my two boys play with each other and become best friends.  Jarett frequently reflects on how much they play like little puppies, just wrestling with each other and being complete goofs.  I love my boys so incredibly much and am so glad that they have each other.